9 Secrets to Standing Out on a Dating App Without Changing Yourself

The experiences shared in this article are based on real emotional journeys, but all personal details are anonymized and used with the explicit written permission of the clients. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. We are committed to treating all client stories with the utmost confidentiality and respect.

Picture this: You’ve spent weeks swiping, crafting thoughtful replies, and swapping cat memes that made you snort-laugh—only to have conversations fizzle into the digital abyss.

But what if I told you that standing out on dating apps isn’t about transforming into someone else?

It’s about curating the truest version of yourself in a way that makes people lean in and say, “Oh, I need to meet this human.”

Let’s talk about how.

(Quick note: I’ve spent years coaching people through dating app labyrinths—clients who’ve gone from “ghosted” to “girlfriend” by leaning into their quirks, not hiding them. And yes, I’ve tripped over my own profile missteps along the way. More on that later.)

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1. Your First Photo Isn’t About Looking “Perfect”—It’s About Sparking Curiosity

The goal isn’t to look like a filtered Instagram model (unless that’s authentically you and you want to attract someone who cares about that).

Instead, create a “pause moment.”

• Example: One client swapped her studio headshot for a photo of her mid-laugh while baking cookies, flour smudged on her cheek. Her matches doubled, and men started opening with playful jokes about her “dessert crimes.”
• Try this: Pick a photo that tells a story. Are you hiking? Include a shot where your hair’s windblown, not perfectly styled. Love thrift shopping? Show yourself holding a hilariously ugly lamp. Quirky beats generic every time.

Why it works: Authenticity invites connection. Let people see the real you before they even read your bio.

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2. Bury a Secret in Your Bio (That Only “Your Person” Would Get)

Most profiles sound like grocery lists: “Hiking, tacos, The Office.” Stand out by embedding a tiny, specific clue about your personality.

• My story: My bio once said, “Will judge you if you don’t cry at the finale of Paddington 2.” A guy matched me just to argue that Toy Story 3 was sadder. We’re still friends.
• Try this: Add a line like, “Looking for someone who knows the best spot for 3am pancakes” or “If you can name three constellations, let’s stargaze.” It’s a filter for compatibility.

Pro tip: This isn’t about being “unique”—it’s about attracting people who vibe with your specific brand of weird.

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3. Stop Writing “Answers”—Start Asking Tiny Questions

Instead of listing facts, turn your bio into a conversation starter.

• Example: A client changed “I love jazz” to “Teach me why Miles Davis is overrated, and I’ll buy you coffee.” It sparked debates and deeper conversations.
• Try this: Swap “I’m into traveling” for “Help me plan a pretend trip to Morocco—what’s our first stop?”

Why it works: You’re giving potential matches a low-pressure game to join, not a resume to review.

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4. Send the First Message Like You’re Texting a Friend

Forget “Hey, how’s your week?” Lead with light, playful observations from their profile.

• Example: If their bio mentions Stranger Things, try: “Team Steve or Team Dustin? Wrong answers only.” (Bonus points if you throw in a GIF of Steve’s hair.)
• Avoid: Overcomplimenting (“You’re so beautiful!”) or overly serious questions. Keep it breezy.

My rule: If it feels like something you’d say to a coworker during a coffee break, it’s probably good.

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5. Turn Your “Flaws” into Inside Jokes

Self-deprecation, when done gently, is magnetic.

• Client example: A woman with a “resting bossy face” wrote: “Looking for someone to balance out my ‘I’ll organize the camping trip’ energy. You bring the s’mores; I’ll lose the map.” She attracted easygoing partners who appreciated her leadership.
• Try this: Own your “flaw” with humor. Allergy to mornings? “If you’re a sunrise person, I’ll need three coffees before I say hello.”

Key: You’re not apologizing—you’re sharing a relatable quirk.

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6. Share a Hyper-Specific Story (Not a Trait)

Instead of saying you’re “adventurous,” describe the time you got lost in a Colorado mountain town and ended up at a llama farm.

• My story: I once mentioned adopting a dog who hates walks but loves car rides. A match said, “That’s the most LA dog I’ve ever heard of,” and now we bond over our weird pets.
• Try this: Recall one vivid memory that embodies who you are. The quirkier, the better.

Why: Stories stick in people’s minds longer than adjectives.

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7. Use the “Compliment Sandwich” for Dealbreakers

Need to mention non-negotiables (e.g., “no smokers”)? Wrap it in warmth.

• Example: “I’m a total health nerd who’s training for a half-marathon! If you’re into hikes, weird smoothie recipes, or deep talks about why cats are better than people, let’s chat. (P.S. I’m allergic to cigarette smoke, so I might sneeze-run away.)”
• Avoid: Sounding harsh or judgmental. Stay upbeat.

Insight: You’re setting boundaries and showing you’re positive.

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8. Reply on Your Terms—Not Theirs

If someone sends a lazy “Hey,” you don’t owe them a novel. Match their energy or redirect with curiosity.

• Client example: To a “Hey,” she replied, “Hey! What’s the last thing that made you laugh out loud?” It either sparked real convos or weeded out low-effort matches.
• Try this: Set a personal rule, like “I’ll answer when I’m in a good mood, not out of obligation.”

Remember: Your time and attention are valuable.

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9. Let Go of “What If I Miss Out?” Mentality

Swiping while anxious leads to burnout. Follow the “Weekend Test”: Would I want to chat with this person on a relaxing Sunday morning? If not, skip.

• My habit: I take “app detox” weekends. When I return, I swipe with warmer, clearer intentions.
• Try this: Delete the app for 48 hours. Notice how your standards shift when you’re less exhausted.

Bigger picture: Quality > endless options.

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Final Words from The Darling Code

Standing out isn’t about being the most anything—it’s about being the truest version of yourself.

Start small: Revise one line in your bio using Secret #2, or send a message today that feels playful, not performative.

And hey, if you’ve ever stayed up late wondering why dating apps feel so draining, know this: You’re not alone.

Your person isn’t looking for flawless—they’re looking for you.

With heart,
The Darling Code

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