9 Signs He’s Not Over His Ex (and How to Handle It with Grace)
The experiences shared in this article are based on real emotional journeys, but all personal details are anonymized and used with the explicit written permission of the clients. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. We are committed to treating all client stories with the utmost confidentiality and respect.
The Coffee Shop Confession
Last fall, a client I’ll call Emma sat across from me at a cozy café.
“He still has her sweater,” she blurted out. “It’s in his closet, folded like a museum piece. But he swears they’re ‘just friends.’”
Her story wasn’t unique—over my seven years guiding women through modern dating, I’ve seen how emotional ghosts of exes linger in relationships.
Let’s unpack the subtle signs and practical ways to navigate this delicate terrain—without losing your peace.
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1. He Keeps “Accidentally” Bringing Her Up
The Scenario
You’re sharing a rooftop dinner in LA, watching sunset hues blend with city lights.
Out of nowhere, he says, “Sarah loved this restaurant,” then awkwardly backtracks: “But, uh, the tacos here are great!”
Why It Matters
Frequent, unplanned mentions of an ex—even neutral ones—often signal unresolved feelings. Think of it like a song stuck in his head; he hasn’t hit “skip” yet.
What to Do
- Gently probe: “I’ve noticed Sarah comes up a lot. What’s that about?”
- Set boundaries: “I’d love to focus on our memories here.”
- Observe patterns: If it persists, it’s a conversation starter, not a dealbreaker.
Pause and Reflect
Does his nostalgia feel harmless, or does it dim your connection? Trust your gut.
2. Social Media Isn’t Just for Memes Anymore
The Scenario
He still likes her Instagram posts from Cancun 2018. Or worse—they’re tagged in “throwback Thursday” pics with heart emojis.
Why It Matters
Digital breadcrumbs often reveal emotional unfinished business.
One client’s partner kept commenting on his ex’s hiking photos—turns out, he missed their shared hobby, not her.
What to Do
- Avoid detective work: Stalking her profile fuels anxiety.
- Ask directly: “How do you feel about staying connected online?”
- Decide your comfort level: If it bothers you, say so—without ultimatums.
3. The “Friendship” Feels Like a Third Wheel
The Story
A few years ago, I dated a guy who invited me to a concert—only to “bump into” his ex there.
The three of us awkwardly shared nachos while he joked, “You two would totally get along!”
Spoiler: We didn’t.
Why It Matters
Healthy ex friendships exist, but forced interactions often mask attachment.
What to Do
- Clarify boundaries: “I’m open to you having friends, but I need to feel prioritized.”
- Spot red flags: Secret meetups or excessive texting = time for a talk.
4. He Compares You (Even “Positively”)
The Example
“You’re so much easier to talk to than she was.” Sounds like a compliment? It’s often a backhanded reminder she’s still on his mind.
What to Do
- Redirect: “I’d rather not be compared. Let’s talk about us.”
- Address the root: “It seems like your past is affecting how you see me.”
5. His Energy Shifts When She’s Mentioned
The Client Case
Lena noticed her partner’s voice softened whenever his ex’s name came up.
“He’d stare at his shoes like a guilty kid,” she told me.
That tension often hides unresolved guilt or longing.
What to Do
- Create a safe space: “You seem tense—want to talk about it?”
- Note consistency: Does he shut down or get defensive? That’s your answer.
6. He’s Stuck in “What If” Mode
The Scenario
He muses about how his life might’ve looked if they’d stayed together.
Even hypotheticals can signal emotional limbo.
What to Do
- Reality-check gently: “It’s okay to wonder, but where do we stand?”
- Focus on the present: Plan a future-focused date (e.g., booking a trip together).
7. His Apartment Feels Like a Time Capsule
The Humorous Anecdote
One client found her date’s bathroom stocked with his ex’s lavender-scented hand soap—three years post-breakup.
“It’s just soap!” he argued.
But objects often anchor memories.
What to Do
- Use humor: “Should I be jealous of the shampoo?”
- Suggest a refresh: Offer to help redecorate—if you’re both ready.
8. He Avoids Deep Conversations About the Future
Why It Matters
Fear of repeating past mistakes can make him hesitant.
One man I coached admitted he was “waiting for the other shoe to drop” because his ex left abruptly.
What to Do
- Build trust slowly: Share your own vulnerabilities first.
- Ask open questions: “What does a healthy relationship look like to you now?”
9. Your Intuition Won’t Shut Up
The Truth
You’ve read this far because something feels “off.”
Maybe he’s done everything “right,” but your body tenses when he mentions her name.
What to Do
- Journal it out: Patterns emerge when you write freely.
- Seek clarity, not certainty: Ask yourself: “Can I grow here, or am I settling?”
Final Words from The Darling Code
Navigating ex baggage is less about fixing him and more about honoring your needs. Start small:
- Name one boundary (e.g., “I need us to focus on our own inside jokes”).
- Schedule a low-pressure check-in over pancakes or a walk.
- Revisit your non-negotiables—you deserve a partner fully present for your story.
With heart,
The Darling Code
PS: Save this to your Pinterest “Relationship Wellness” board, and share it with a friend who needs it. Today’s action step: Text a trusted confidant, “Hey, can we talk about something that’s been on my mind?” Sometimes clarity begins with voicing the quiet doubts.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Vivienne, Relationship Coach & Self Love Coach
Vivienne is a Relationship Coach and Self-Love Coach who believes the key to great relationships starts with YOU. She helps individuals and couples build confidence, set healthy boundaries, and create connections that truly honor who they are.
