15 Questions to Ask Each Other Before Setting Relationship Goals

The experiences shared in this article are based on real emotional journeys, but all personal details are anonymized and used with the explicit written permission of the clients. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. We are committed to treating all client stories with the utmost confidentiality and respect.

You’re curled up on the couch with a mug of peppermint tea, scrolling through TikTok reels of couples hiking Machu Picchu or slow-dancing in their Brooklyn loft.

Meanwhile, your own relationship feels like it’s stuck in a loop of “What are we?” texts and half-hearted date nights.

ound familiar?

As a relationship coach who’s spent years sitting across from clients in cozy coffee shops (and occasionally dodging awkward first-date encounters at Whole Foods), I’ve learned one truth: goals without clarity are just wishful thinking.

Before you two start vision-boarding your future golden retriever and beachside wedding, let’s pause.

Here are 15 questions to help you dig deeper—no judgment, no pressure, just honest conversation starters.

Save this article for later—Pin it to Pinterest and come back when you need it! 📌

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1. “What Does ‘Love’ Mean to You?”

Hint: It’s Not Always Hallmark Movie Material

I once worked with a couple—let’s call them Maya and Jake—who argued every Valentine’s Day.

Maya wanted grand gestures; Jake equated love with fixing her car without being asked.

Their disconnect? They’d never defined their “love languages” beyond surface assumptions.

Try this: Share specific memories that made you feel loved. Was it when your partner stayed up until 2 AM listening to your work stress? Or when they surprised you with tickets to that indie concert? Details matter.

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2. “How Do You Handle Conflict—Silent Treatment or Spicy Debates?”

Spoiler: Neither Is “Wrong,” But Alignment Matters

My college roommate’s parents had a “no dishes in the sink” rule after fights.

My best friend’s husband needs 24 hours of solo hiking to reset.

There’s no universal script, but mismatched conflict styles can erode trust.

Pro tip: Role-play a hypothetical disagreement (e.g., “What if I forgot our anniversary?”). Notice: Do they shut down, deflect, or problem-solve?

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3. “What’s Your Relationship with Independence?”

Codependency Isn’t a Bad Word—Until It Is

Sarah, a client in her 30s, once told me, “I feel guilty wanting girls’ trips because he’s my ‘best friend.’” Meanwhile, her partner secretly resented always being her emotional anchor.

Ask: “Would you be okay if I took a solo trip for a week?” Watch for defensiveness vs. curiosity.

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4. “How Do You Define ‘Faithfulness’ in the Digital Age?”

Swipe Culture Complicates Things

A study found that 34% of couples argue about “appropriate” interactions on social media.

One client nearly ended her marriage after her husband liked his ex’s Instagram post—innocent to him, betrayal to her.

Discuss: Boundaries around exes, flirty DMs, or even TikTok crushes. Clarity beats assumptions.

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5. “What’s Your Money Mindset—Saver, Splurger, or ‘Let’s Not Talk About It’?”

Hint: Debt Talks Are Sexier Than You Think

I’ll never forget the couple who postponed their engagement because one secretly had $20k in student loans.

Money isn’t just numbers—it’s about security, values, and trust.

Try this: Share your most embarrassing money mistake (mine? Buying a $300 juicer I used twice). Then ask: “How would we handle a financial crisis together?”

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6. “Where Do You See Yourself in 5 Years—Geographically and Emotionally?”

Spoiler: “I Don’t Know” Is a Valid Answer

A client once tearfully confessed she wanted to move to Colorado for grad school, but her partner refused to leave New York.

They’d never discussed location preferences beyond “someday.”

Soft launch: “If you could live anywhere, where would it be?” Bonus points for mentioning climate change or proximity to Trader Joe’s.

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7. “How Do You Recharge—Alone Time or Constant Togetherness?”

Introverts, This Is Your Moment

Emily’s ex-boyfriend thought her “me time” (reading memoirs in bed) meant she was bored with him.

Meanwhile, she worried his love for crowded parties signaled a deeper incompatibility.

Ask: “What does your ideal Saturday look like—with and without me?”

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8. “What’s Your Take on Physical Intimacy Outside the Bedroom?”

Spoiler: It’s Not Just About Sex

A client’s husband stopped holding her hand in public after two years, assuming it was “uncool.”

She felt invisible; he thought he was respecting her space.

Discuss: Little gestures—hand-holding, forehead kisses, couch cuddles—and what they mean to you.

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9. “How Do You Define ‘Trust’—Is It Earned or Given Freely?”

Hint: Past Baggage Isn’t a Dealbreaker… Unless It’s Unpacked

After being cheated on in a previous relationship, a client admitted she’d compulsively check her partner’s phone.

They worked through it by creating mutual “trust check-ins” every Sunday.

Try this: Share a time someone broke your trust. How did it shape your expectations?

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10. “What’s Your Relationship with Chores—50/50 or ‘I’ll Do It Later’?”

Dishwashers Have Destroyed More Relationships Than You’d Think

A couple I coached nearly divorced over laundry.

She saw his procrastination as disrespect; he felt micromanaged.

Their fix? A chore chart with humor (“King of Trash Tuesdays”).

Pro tip: Assign tasks based on strengths. Hate cooking but love organizing? Trade duties.

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11. “What Are Your Non-Negotiables—Religion, Politics, or Pineapple on Pizza?”

Spoiler: Core Values Aren’t Quirks

A client dated someone for eight months before learning he opposed her reproductive rights stance.

Awkward? Absolutely. Necessary? 100%.

Ask: “What’s something you could never compromise on?”

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12. “What’s Your Relationship with Family—And How Much Should I Care?”

Thanksgiving Dinner Isn’t Just About Turkey

I’ll never forget the couple who broke up after realizing one wanted weekly family dinners; the other hadn’t spoken to their parents in years.

Family dynamics shape expectations—especially around holidays, finances, or future caregiving.

Soft launch: “How do you imagine spending holidays once we’re serious?”

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13. “Do You Want Kids—And What Does ‘Parenting’ Look Like to You?”

Hint: “Maybe” Isn’t a Plan

A client in her late 20s assumed her partner would “come around” to wanting kids.

Five years later, he hadn’t—and resentment had built like a dam.

Discuss: Fears, timelines, and even hypotheticals (“Would we prioritize careers or stay home?”).

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14. “How Do You Handle Change—Career Shifts, Loss, or Cross-Country Moves?”

Life’s Plot Twists Don’t Care About Your Relationship

When I lost my job during the pandemic, my partner’s response (“We’ll figure it out”) became my lifeline.

But I’ve seen couples crumble under smaller stressors, like adopting a puppy.

Ask: “How did you handle the last big change in your life?”

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15. “What’s Your ‘Why’ for This Relationship?”

Spoiler: “Because I’m Lonely” Isn’t Enough

A client once stayed in a relationship because she feared being single at 35.

It took her years to admit she wanted a partner who challenged her, not just filled space.

Try this: Write down your “why” separately, then compare notes. Brutal honesty required.

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Final Words from The Darling Code

If you’ve read this far, you’re already brave.

Maybe you’re scribbling notes in a journal or texting your partner, “We need to talk 😅”.

Start small: Pick one question to discuss over pancakes this weekend. Relationships aren’t built in grand gestures but in these quiet, intentional moments.

You deserve a love that feels like your favorite sweater—warm, familiar, but still lets you breathe.

With heart,
The Darling Code

PS: Save this to your Pinterest “Relationship Goals” board. Today’s action step? Text your partner: “Hey, I read something interesting. Can we chat about it over coffee?” No pressure—just curiosity.

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