How to Set Boundaries With an Ex Who Won’t Leave You Alone

The experiences shared in this article are based on real emotional journeys, but all personal details are anonymized and used with the explicit written permission of the clients. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. We are committed to treating all client stories with the utmost confidentiality and respect.

The third time your ex “accidentally” tagged you in a TikTok about lost love, you knew it wasn’t an algorithm glitch. The fifth “just checking in” text during your sister’s wedding weekend? Definitely not about returning your old blender.

We’ve all been there—that murky phase where closure feels like chasing fog. Maybe you tried the polite fade-out, only to find them lingering in your DMs like a pop-up ad. Or perhaps every time you block their number, they resurface through Venmo comments (“Remember our brunches here? 💔”). Exhausting, right?

As a relationship coach who’s navigated this dance both professionally and personally (yes, even experts have cringeworthy “why did I reply?!” moments), I want you to know two things:

1. You’re not overreacting.
2. There’s a way out that doesn’t require burning sage or moving to a new zip code.

Boundaries aren’t cruelty—they’re the ultimate act of care. For both of you.

Save this article for later—Pin it to Pinterest and come back when you need it! 📌

---

1. Why “Being Nice” Often Backfires (And How to Fix It)

The Guilt-Grenade Trap

“What if they’re hurting?” my client Mara agonized when her ex kept sending sad-song playlists. She’d respond with cautious kindness, hoping to ease his pain. Instead? He escalated to 3 a.m. voicemails analyzing their first-date outfit choices.

The science bit (simplified!): A UC Berkeley study found that ambiguous signals activate the brain’s reward system more than clear rejection. Translation? Mixed messages = addiction fuel for emotionally hungry exes.

Try this instead:
The 24-Hour Compassion Delay

1. When you feel guilt rising (e.g., “They’re struggling; maybe just one coffee…”), pause.
2. Grab a sticky note and write: “Will this help them grow or keep them stuck?”
3. Place it on your fridge/phone case for two weeks.

Real-life test drive:
When my college ex bombarded me with concert tickets to “our song” venues, I drafted then deleted six responses. Finally, I sent: “I care about your happiness, but I can’t be part of creating it anymore.” Silence followed. Months later, he thanked me for the clarity.

---

2. The Boundary Blueprint: Crafting Messages That Stick

Phase 1: The EAR Formula
Adapted from conflict resolution therapy but stripped of jargon:

• Echo: Reflect their emotion
  “I hear you’re feeling lonely.”
• Assert: State your need
  “I need to focus on my healing journey.”
• Redirect: Offer an alternative path
  “Your cousin’s group chats sound fun—maybe join those?”

Phase 2: Format Flexibility
For the text-happy ex:

“Hey [Name], I’ve realized constant communication isn’t healthy for me. I won’t be responding to casual chats anymore, but I’ll check in about [dog visitation/lease paperwork] on [specific date].”

For the workplace tango:

“I value our professional relationship. Let’s keep meetings focused on [project name]. I’ll be leaving personal topics for my therapist.”

Phase 3: The 3x Rule
If they ignore your boundary three times, upgrade from words to actions:

1. Mute notifications
2. Automate responses (“Regarding [topic], please email [mutual lawyer/friend].”)
3. Schedule a monthly “rant call” with your bestie to vent instead of replying

---

3. The Ghosts of Relationships Past: Handling Shared Spaces

Scenario A: The Gym “Coincidence”
My client Lila’s ex started taking her exact barre class schedule—mat placed three inches from hers.

Playbook:

• Week 1: “I notice we’re here at the same time—mind leaving two spots between us?”
• Week 2: Arrive early, claim your space, blast headphones
• Week 3: Tell the instructor privately: “Could you assign mats? I focus better with structure.”

Scenario B: The Friend Group Fiasco
When breakup group chats go sideways:

1. Pick 1-2 allies: “Hey Jamie, could you loop me out of plans he’s attending?”
2. Create new traditions: Host a monthly book club with just your ride-or-dies
3. Pre-game responses: Practice “I’m here for Sarah’s birthday—let’s keep it light!”

---

4. Digital Detox 101: Surviving the Online Minefield

The Unfollow ≠ Block Solution
Mute their:

• Close friends’ stories
• Spotify playlists
• LinkedIn endorsements

Password Peace
Change every password they might know:

• Netflix → BoundariesRCool2024!
• Shared Google Doc → NotYourTherapist24

The Memory Vault
Stash sentimental items in a digital time capsule:

1. Create a folder titled “To Revisit in 2026”
2. Upload screenshots, photos, playlists
3. Delete apps instead of agonizing over individual posts

---

5. When They Weaponize Vulnerability

“You said communication was important!”
“I thought you cared about mental health!”

The Comeback Kit

• For guilt-trippers:
  “I do care—that’s why I want you to build support systems beyond me.”
• For nostalgia bombers:
  “Those memories are precious, which is why I’m protecting them from becoming resentful.”
• For gaslighters:
  “I’m confident in my needs. Let’s not debate my reality.”

---

6. The Relapse First-Aid Kit

You sent a 🥺 emoji. They replied with a 7-part voice note. Now what?

1. Phone a Friend: Use the “Humiliation Shield” script
   “I messed up. Roast me lightly, then help me block.”
2. The Distraction Download: Pre-load 3 go-to activities
   • Walk to your nearest Trader Joe’s sniff flowers like it’s your job
   • Text 3 people compliments unrelated to dating
   • Do 10 push-ups (anger burns calories!)
3. Forgiveness Flow: Write then burn/delete a letter
   “Dear Me, Slip-ups mean I’m human. Tomorrow’s fresh.”

---

7. Safety First: When Boundaries Aren’t Enough

If they:
✓ Show up uninvited
✓ Threaten self-harm
✓ Create fake accounts to surveil you

Escalation Roadmap:

1. DOCUMENT: Take screenshots; email yourself with timestamps
2. DELEGATE: Have a friend handle all communication
3. DEPLOY: Use legal templates like Cease & Desist Creator app
4. DETACH: Blur your home on Google Maps; request platform takedowns

---

Final Words from The Darling Code

Start today with the 2×2 Method:

1. Write 2 lines you’ll never send them:
   • The angriest truth
   • The tenderest lie
2. Do 2 actions reclaiming your space:
   • Delete their pizza order profile
   • Buy new bedsheets in your favorite color

You’re not erasing the past—you’re illuminating the future.

---

With heart,
The Darling Code

P.S. Pin this on your “Relationship Advice” board and text your group chat: “Who wants to be my boundary buddy? First round of kombucha’s on me.” Progress over perfection, always.

Got value from this article? Pin it to Pinterest for easy reference and help others discover it! 🌟