What to Do When You Still Have Feelings for Your Ex

The experiences shared in this article are based on real emotional journeys, but all personal details are anonymized and used with the explicit written permission of the clients. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. We are committed to treating all client stories with the utmost confidentiality and respect.

Picture this: You’re standing in line at your favorite coffee shop, half-listening to the barista’s small talk, when your phone buzzes.

It’s a notification from a mutual friend’s Instagram story—there he is, laughing at a rooftop bar with someone you don’t recognize.

Your stomach drops.

The latte in your hand suddenly tastes like ash.

Whether it’s been weeks or years, unresolved feelings for an ex can ambush you like a sudden summer storm—soaked in nostalgia, sharp with regret.

As a relationship coach who’s walked hundreds of clients through this exact ache (and stumbled through my own post-breakup fog after a three-year relationship ended), I’m here to tell you: This isn’t a sign you’re “broken.”

It’s a sign you’re human.

Let’s navigate this terrain together—no platitudes, no judgment, just actionable steps wrapped in warmth.

Save this article for later—Pin it to Pinterest and come back when you need it! 📌

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1. Stop Calling It a “Weakness” (And Other Lies We Tell Ourselves)

Let’s get one thing straight: Missing someone who once felt like home isn’t a moral failing.

Neuroscience shows romantic love activates the same brain regions as addiction.

One client described her post-breakup cravings as “phantom limb syndrome for his voice.”

What to do instead:

• Name the shame. Write down every self-critical thought (“Why can’t I move on?”) and reframe it: “I’m grieving a real loss, and that’s okay.”
• Create a “Grief Inventory”: List specific things you miss (e.g., “Sunday crossword rituals,” not just “him”). This diffuses the fog of nostalgia.
• Pro Tip: Set a 5-minute daily “Wallow Window”—cry to Adele, journal, scream into a pillow. When the timer dings, wash your face and hydrate.

Why it works:
Structured emotional expression reduces rumination. Translation: Controlled venting = fewer 2 AM Instagram deep dives.

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2. The Art of Digital Detox: Why Unfollowing Isn’t Cruel—It’s Survival

Sarah spent months dissecting her ex’s LinkedIn updates (“He got promoted?!”) until she realized: She was using his digital breadcrumbs like emotional fast food—convenient, addictive, and utterly unfulfilling.

Your Action Plan:

• Phase 1: Mute his stories and unfollow friends who overshare about him.
• Phase 2: Archive old chats (not delete—this reduces panic). Keep one physical memento (e.g., a concert ticket stub) as a “transitional object.”
• Phase 3: Curate your feed. Follow accounts that reflect your future self (@TheDarlingCode, perhaps?).

Case Study:
After Sarah replaced her nightly scroll with a 10-minute walk (noticing cherry blossoms in her neighborhood), she reported feeling “lighter, like I’d dropped a backpack full of bricks.”

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3. Rewire the “What If” Spiral: A Science-Backed Reality Check

Breakup brain loves rewriting history: “If I’d been more patient…” “If he’d gone to therapy…”

Here’s how to short-circuit the fantasy loop:

Step 1: Grab two highlighters. On a blank page, create two columns:

• Pink: “What I Idealized” (e.g., “He always planned surprise dates”)
• Yellow: “What Actually Happened” (e.g., “He canceled plans last-minute 70% of the time”)

Step 2: Text a trusted friend: “Can I reality-test three memories with you?”

Why This Matters:
A client, Lena, realized she’d conflated her ex’s potential with his patterns. “I was in love with a PowerPoint presentation of who he could be,” she laughed in our last session.

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4. Date Yourself First: The Unsexy Truth About “Ready to Move On”

Post-breakup dating often backfires because we’re seeking external validation, not connection.

Before you swipe right:

The Pre-Dating Checklist:
☐ I can spend a Saturday alone without feeling “less than”
☐ I’ve identified three non-negotiables for future relationships (e.g., “respects my career ambitions”)
☐ I’ve stopped comparing dates to my ex’s “best moments”

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5. The Missing Piece Paradox: Are You Longing for Him or a Feeling?

We often miss aspects of the relationship, not the person.

Did he make you feel adventurous? Safe? Intellectually challenged?

Exercise:

1. List 5 qualities the relationship provided (e.g., “spontaneity”).
2. Brainstorm ways to cultivate them solo:
   • Spontaneity → Surprise yourself with a last-minute day trip
   • Safety → Create a cozy evening ritual (tea + weighted blanket)

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6. The “Should I Text Him?” Flowchart (From Someone Who’s Been There)

That 11 PM urge to “just check in”? Let’s troubleshoot:

Step 1: Write a raw, unfiltered draft. Get all the “I miss you”s out.
Step 2: Sleep on it.
Step 3: Edit mercilessly:

• Delete nostalgic references (“Remember that night in Santa Monica…”)
• Remove blame/vague vulnerability (“You broke me”)
• Keep it neutral and specific (“I have your sweater. Want me to mail it?”)

Pro Tip: If you wouldn’t send it to your boss, don’t send it to your ex.

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7. Build a “Grief-to-Growth” Timeline (Ditch the “Over It” Deadline)

Healing isn’t linear. Create a flexible roadmap:

Phase 1 (Days 1–14): Survival Mode

• Goal: Basic self-care (shower, eat, call one friend daily)
• Win: “I drank water and didn’t check his Venmo.”

Phase 2 (Weeks 3–6): Curiosity

• Goal: Explore one new interest (yoga, sourdough baking, etc.)
• Win: “I learned to make focaccia without crying into the dough.”

Phase 3 (Months 2–4): Integration

• Goal: Reflect on lessons learned (journal prompt: “What will I do differently next time?”)

Client Spotlight: Priya marked milestones with a “Healing Playlist”—from Olivia Rodrigo’s rage anthems to Beyoncé’s self-love bops.

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8. Trigger-Proof Your Life: From Landmines to Learning Moments

Triggers hide everywhere—his cologne, that taco spot, The Office reruns.

Your Toolkit:

• Avoidance (Temporarily): Switch grocery stores; delete that playlist.
• Reprogramming: Pair triggers with new memories (e.g., blast Lizzo when “your song” plays).
• Radical Acceptance: “This hurts right now, and that’s okay.”

My Story: For months, the smell of pine reminded me of his cabin. Now? It’s tied to my solo camping trip where I saw a meteor shower.

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9. Closure Is a Verb: How to Build Your Own Peace

Forget the movie-style “final talk.” True closure is an action.

Try These:

• Burn Ritual: Write a letter listing every unsaid word. Safely burn it (bonus: use a lavender-sage bundle for ~ vibes ~).
• Volunteer: Animal shelters, food banks—altruism shifts focus outward.
• Affirmation: “I choose my future self over my past story.”

Final Note: My closure came not from answers, but from realizing: I deserve someone who chooses me daily.

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Final Words from The Darling Code

This isn’t about erasing your past—it’s about making space for a future where you’re the protagonist, not the person waiting for a text.

Start tonight: Open your Notes app and finish this sentence: “Right now, I need ______.” Then honor that need unapologetically.

Healing is messy, but I’ve watched clients transform from heartbroken to radiant—women who set boundaries with kindness and love with both courage and discernment.

Your next chapter is already being written.

With heart,
The Darling Code

PS: Save this to your Pinterest “Healing” board, and text one tip to a friend who’s struggling. Your tiny win today? Delete one photo. Then treat yourself to something that makes your present self smile. 🌿

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